Category Archives: T Tease
Having a name synonymous with toilet tissue isn’t all it’s cracked up to be
It’s a little
to know I most often come to mind
immediately following a blistering bowel movement or the moment mold and mildew
is scraped from a sticky countertop.
Now occasionally the hallways of my elementary school would ruthlessly reverberate
from time to time with a
Potty Scotty, or Scotty Waddy-doo-doo-day
simply cause it rhymed,
although I was often known to have a runny nose and unusually thin mucus membrane
whereas the word ‘snotty’ would have been a much more suitable nickname to gain.
Just the same
it wasn’t until high school when my voice dropped
and the ridiculing stopped.
I grew to the perfect height learned how to dance like Napoleon Dynamite
and just like the recent remnants of a dirty dinner flushed down the John-Bon Jovi
mixed with a Don Cheadle George Clooney movie
was out of sight.
I was know known to hear chanting of Scotty’s a Hottie, Scotty the Body,
Roddy, Roddy Scotty
or the simple but no less true-
This however didn’t last very long,
but for the time being
my ego was boosted
and I was ever so pleased to be listed in relation to
blistering temperatures and sizzling summers
as opposed to rising blue toilet water amidst whizzing thunder.
It was always amusing to see how most children believed any person place or thing
with the same first name was either that very same person
or somehow in some strange way related.
I had to assuage outrageous claims that it was I who wrote the Great Gatsby
or daily disappoint Wiggin fans that I didn’t share a brain with the author of Ender’s Game.
Nor was I a six-eight-six-time world champion black man from Arkansas
that had the privilege of playing beside Michael Jordan, Steve Kerr and BJ Armstrong.
Criminal minded is a great album,
but I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Buddy Lembeck seems like a swell guy and ‘Joanie’ may very well still love ‘Chachi,’
but there’s no way-o I’m Scott Baio.
There’d be no stopping Scott Joplin
from keeping Ragtime as no more than just a passing craze.
and although I wasn’t in any way affiliated with the decision,
if it was up to me,
Dred Scott would not have remained a slave.
I would a loved to attend the wedding between Coretta and King
and would kill to have written Sir Walter’s Waverly, Ivanhoe and Guy Mannering.
I didn’t direct Enemy of the State, Beverly Hills Cop 2 or Top Gun-
and I contributed diddly-squat to Ridley Scott’s
Blade Runner Black hawk Down, G.I. Jane and Black Rain.
I apologize to all Sci-Fi geeks
I’ve never Quantum Leaped
into a crash test Chimpanzee or a pianist who can’t see his knees
And in all seriousness
I have no teleportation capabilities!
I have never met Doctor Spock Captain Kirk nor chief engineer Montgomery Scott
cause if there’s one phrase I’ve heard more
than more than enough
I will never ever be able to Beam you or anyone up.
Oh, and it’s not just good it’s Great Scott!
Yeah, pretty much can’t argue with that one, although it doesn’t surprise me
most people ignore its origin’s folklore
named for General Winfield Scott
hero of the Mexican war.
I’m not anymore a fan of biscotti’s than your average cappuccino drinker.
And contrary to what people know of me and the San Diego Chicken
This mascot and all others are of no immediate relation.
I also gotta say me and Gil Scot have absolutely no ties,
so this realization will not be televised.
I’ve never been to Scotland, Scottsville, or Scott’s County,
nor do I presume anything and everything Scottish is somehow a part of me.
I don’t like haggis and have never played the bagpipes
I’m merely a man with a name synonymous to toilet wipes.
Maybe it’s time to stop searching for these WMDs
Facebook and Twitter are the new WMTs
Witness the success of the real threats
Weapons of Mass Texts
144 character tweet seeking missiles (of dismissal)
no need to go postal to be social in this day and age
Blow up any event from the comfort of your own homepage.
Round up the troops to challenge, question and protest
it’s cheaper more effective and faster than any known printing press
step inside and get online
With now more than 500 millions users world-wide.
Weaving webs of connectivity more lucid and beautiful
than Spiderman the Musical.
Become the next Textaco sensation
on networks with net worths
worth more than any fortune 500 oil corporation.
Wield power to make real change see profiling be legal
raise hairs even on the bald eagle
where Zuckerberg is king, yet everyone’s equal
where not just American Dreams reign supreme
its a total global phenomenon
Obama, Netanyahu, Shaq, even your mom is on.
Status update your relationship or overthrow a dictatorship.
Ninjas, pirates, straights and gays
Stay single or get engaged
in Wisconsin its complicated
but why not add civil unions to your page.
Follow your favorite celeb and honor the dead
Stalk a world leader to write an op-ed.
With photos easier to tag than bags
AirTran can be a real a drag
So spread the word without all the jetlag.
Metaphorically or Rhetorically
These WMTs helped IRAN attack
while no WMDs were ever found in IRAQ
Whether they need ya in Egypt or Tunisia new acquaintances will be made
When life gives you Yemen give Yemen-ade.
But let’s not call a spade a spade
The entire Civil Rights movement happened without all this
250,000 march on Washington-so what was their trick?
(I had) a dream shared without a (mouse) click
but never before was it this…quick
unlock the skakra doctine to your inner activist
Tweet this flicker that and face-book the music with three fists in the air.
Open your third eye phone and smile while you file share
they say to reach true enlightenment you must (go at it alone) leave your computer home
fight focused if you want the crap to stop
So ask yourself….
does every sit-in really need a laptop?
At any moment on any day I could go for any one of the following Three Teas.
3. A mint tea with fresh mint leaves leaves me minty-fresh-breathless, but a Whittard of Chelsea peppermint tea from the U.K. is pretty hard to beat.
2. A Thai Ice-Tea in Brooklyn or Bangkok, there’s really no beating the delicious blend of sugar, coconut milk and brilliantly brewed black tea served chilled or with ice in a see-through bag or towering glass.
1. Only Tracy Marrow AKA Ice-T who’s been ‘cop killing it’ since the 80’s with his controversially clever hip-hop lyrics and songs could continue his full-fledged ‘home invasion’ to return every week to our TV’s on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit as NYPD Detective Fin Tutola. For ‘surviving the game’ from the golden age of hip-hop til now, Ice-T gets this Scottts top spott for number one T.
(Runner ups and honorable mentions include a Snapple Compassionberry Iced Tea, Starbucks/Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chai, homemade chai masala or a decent cardamom tea from Darjeeling, India)
At this point I have received more “free” T-shirts than I have purchased.
One of these shirts has my face on it, flattering I know, but I must admit is a little weird wearing, particularly on some smelly Sunday, a random showerless Saturday, those Quasimodo Mondays wherein these (S)cotton renderings of my mug barely resemble my actual state of face. The shirt is from the the Urban Arts Festival 2009 held outside the State Theater in New Brunswick, NJ featuring me, the other two Mayhem Poets and the delightfully talented North Carolina based poet and educator Glenis Redmond.
Now many of these so-called “free” t-shirts came at a cost, a cost far greater than I’d ever probably spend on a sole shirt. Usually as part of an an event; let’ say a 5k mud race, an Oprah walkathon in less than 30 degrees, a Planet Fitness Black Card gym membership-each ranging anywhere from $50-$100 to participate.
Typically these shirts sit in my dresser unseen, buried beneath a selection of shirts I rock on the regular. Often these Polyester Prynnes are too large to sport fashionably, ostracized from the rest of my wardrobe with their XL and XXL markings never to see the light of neck. In fact, on occasion these inside-outcasts make their way into my laundry basket without ever being worn. A pitiful and futile existence of dresser to hamper to machine to dresser.
Other shirts I am required to wear for work:
- a Wintuk T-Shirt to promote the Cirque de Solei Show at Madison Square Garden
- a brown Drama Zone Tee I once wore to teach five-year-olds soccer
- a CNN Anderson Cooper 360 long sleeve blue shirt
- a bright orange Zog Sports shirt to play volleyball for the clown babies every Sunday Night throughout NYC ($100 to join the league with all proceeds going to charity)
- a Witness MVP shirt I received at the Cleveland Cavaliers game when Lebron James was crowned Most Valuable Player (Round One playoff tickets costing $75/ticket)
- a Run-A-Muck shirt given to me at the finish line of the 5k mud run in Harriman State Park (~$50 to run the race; plus parking)
Still others I received while on the road:
- an Emerald High School power purple shirt (with matching hat) from Nashville Tennessee
- a South Carolina state flag shirt, given as a gift to us from a group of teachers who took us out to dinner downtown
- a Tim Horton’s presents the International Children’s Festival in St Albert, Alberta Canada
- a 2010 Bloomington Diversity Day T from a Minnesota visit to Kennedy and Jefferson High Schools
- a Lindenwood University; Sibley Day for Justice and Peace shirt (an event we performed at 30 minutes before Mahatama Ghandi’s grandson gave a lecture. Ghandi’s grandson drew hundreds, we drew tens)
- a New Victory Theater shirt from when Mayhem Poets performed a run of shows at the prestigious family theater in Time Square,
- my RCPC presents William Shakespeares Twelfth Night with a “Scott as Toby Belch” emblazoned on the back.
- a 2010 green Omaha Summer Arts Festival the same color as the house I grew up in
And finally while on my most recent Jamaican Vacation
- a coveted VIC (Very Important Couple T) for attending Couples Resort in Negrille Jamiaca two years in a row and counting
I already have a different ‘free T’ for every day of the week. Perhaps one day I’ll get to a t-shirt for every-day of the year, but either way thank you to all of the above mentioned places and establishments for allowing me to not walk around bare-chested through your city and for giving me a few extra days of clean clothes while on the road.
It seems as though 95% of all newspaper/magazine articles written about me and the Mayhem Poets fail to include the proper spelling of my surely stretched surname. Despite careful dictation of this ten letter mouthful of a moniker letter by letter; followed by the obvious yet accommodating acrostic (“T” as in Test tubes “A” as in Arthritis, “R” as in Ringo all the way to “S.” “S” as in Sam, or “S” as in stupid scribbler scribing said statement and still miStaking…despite all of this, no matter what I do, letter number 26 continually pops up in print.
An honest mistake? I guess I could understand this if I’d simply said the name over a bad connection on the phone, the deggod writer happened to be deceptively dyslexic or if I said it so fast that the tail end of my SSSSSSSSSS, somehow resembled the front end of my ZZZZZZZZ. But there have been actual times where I have seen the name written correct in the notebook of a journalist, later to receive a copy of the article with the malapropped mark of Zorro, sadly sitting bezides its unfamiliar T.
Assumption is indeed the mother of all f-ups, not to mention its sister, brother, and surrogate- I realize there is more than one reason for this unfortunate error. So here’s me clearing up a few things, so that in the future we don’t need to go through this.
If you were unaware, yes I am Jewish and given this fact most people assume this: “Oh he’s a Jew, of course his name ends in z, even though he just told me it was an S, oy vell he must have been mistaken.” What?!!!!
Truthfully, a Jewish person’s name will often END in Z, ie., Moskowitz, Rabinowitz, Leibowitz, and Berkowitz- to name a few. The -witz suffix was disparingly given to Jews crossing borders by Prussian and Austrian guards allegedly meaning ‘joke’, but a Z ending does not always connotate a jew. It is also common among spanish speakers and those of Mexican descent- Hernandez, Ramirez, Valdez. Other common Jewish names may include Cohen, Miller and those ending in -berg as in Weinberg, Rosenberg, and Greenberg. Z or not, what most people don’t know is this: My last name (naturally) is taken from my loving father Peter J. Tarazevits. Well, Peter or “Jewish Pete” as he was affectionately called by my gentile friends in grammar school actually is a convert to the Jewish faith. So my surname, “Tarazevits” is not actually a quote unquote Jewish name. Over the years it has evolved from a hybrid of its Russian (Tarazevich “C” as in Change “H” as in Hypocrite) and Polish (Tarasewicz, -wicz a common Polish Christian surname) to its present state of singular supreme ending in “S” existence. So, in short a certain suffix does not neccessarily a jew make and should play no part in its effort to be spelled correctly.
Think of it this way, my entire name (first and last included) is like a poor-man’s palindrome, whereas the first letter of my first name is the same as the last letter of my last name. No?
How about this?
Ask yourself before writing my name this: who is it?
Well, it’s Tarazevits. Actually, that’s a little dumb. A lot of dumb.
Either way, how ever you may arise to your incorrect spelling and whom ever it may be who is to blame; whether it is you kind sir, or you madam, or you mr. photographer, writer, stenographer, scribe, or caped caption crusader, whatever it is you do…please oh please when you encounter me, Scott Raven TarazevitS, son of Mr. Peter J. TarazevitS pleaSe pleaSe with cherrieSSSSSSSS and ScoreSSSS of SkittleSSSSS on top…end with an S.